Monday, February 27, 2012

Beyonce's Baby, Britney's Betrothal And More: 2012 Predictions

We forecast the year that will be for your favorite stars, in Bigger Than the Sound.
By James Montgomery

Beyonce on the 2011 VMA black carpet
Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty Images

<P>Welcome to 2012, the year that will either bring us <a href="" target="_blank">the end of civilization</a> as we know it or perhaps flying cars (finally!) Of course, between those two events, there's also going to be a presidential election, the London Olympics and that last "Twilight" movie (finally x 100!), not to mention a whole lot of activity within the lives of your favorite stars, too: Babies, weddings, honorary doctorates in nanotechnology; <i>this</i> is the year it'll all happen. </p><div class="player-placeholder right" id="" width="240" height="211"></div><p> Which is why, with the new year upon us, I've decided to get my <a href="" target="_blank">Kreskin</a> on with these predictions for 2012. Don't ask me to gaze deep into my crystal ball and try to foresee who'll win the White House or the World Series, because, seriously, if I knew that, don't you think I'd be wagering right now? Instead, I'm tackling the <i>important</i> topics. Here's my 2012 forecast for the Beyonc&#233;s and Britneys of the world ... partly cloudy, with a zero-percent chance of accuracy. &#187; <a href="/music/artist/knowles_beyonce/artist.jhtml">Beyonc&#233;</a> and <a href="/music/artist/jay_z/artist.jhtml">Jay-Z</a> will welcome a daughter, who, upon her, uh, <i>release,</i> will also release her debut single, "Run the World (Me)." &#187; <a href="/music/artist/adele/artist.jhtml">Adele</a> will win every single Grammy, including a stunning upset of <i>Eres Un Farsante</i> in the Best Regional Mexican Or Tejano Album category. &#187; <a href="/music/artist/spears_britney/artist.jhtml">Britney Spears</a> and Jason Trawick will tie the knot in an elaborate, multi-denominational ceremony held &#8212; eh, I don't even care enough to finish this one. &#187; <a href="/music/artist/perry_katy/artist.jhtml">Katy Perry</a>, having finally run out of singles to release off <i>Teenage Dream,</i> will spend the entirety of 2012 shooting videos for objects around her house. Her hits will include "Toaster," "KitchenAid Tilt-Head Stand Mixer" and "This Towel Set Someone Gave Russell and I for Our Wedding That We Keep in the Guest Bathroom." &#187; <a href="/music/artist/dr_dre/artist.jhtml">Dr. Dre</a> will indefinitely scrap <i>Detox</i> and instead drop a more age-appropriate album called <i>The Chronic Arthritis.</i> &#187; <a href="/music/artist/lady_gaga/artist.jhtml">Lady Gaga</a> will wear a crazy hat or something. &#187; <a href="/music/artist/rihanna/artist.jhtml">Rihanna</a> will release six albums in 2012, each more raunchy than the last. Titles include <i>Speculum,</i> <i>[Censored] [Censored] On My [Censored],</i> and <i>Songs About F---ing,</i> which, oddly, will be a note-for-note remake of Big Black's <i>Songs About F---ing.</i> &#187; Dave Grohl is sure to do something awesome. &#187; <a href="/music/artist/drake/artist.jhtml">Drake</a>'s sweater game will become so advanced that he will surpass Bill Cosby as the world's foremost expert on multi-hued knitwear. On a related note, he will also release a comedy album called <i>To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With.</i> &#187; <a href="/music/artist/minaj__nicki/artist.jhtml">Nicki Minaj</a> will stun the fashionistas when she appears at the annual Met Ball wearing a nice pantsuit she bought at Bealls. &#187; <a href="/music/artist/bieber_justin/artist.jhtml">Justin Bieber</a> will finally get that bike without the training wheels, since he's a big boy now. &#187; <a href="/music/artist/black_keys/artist.jhtml">The Black Keys</a>, buoyed by the success of their <a href="">"Lonely Boy" video</a>, will shoot another dance-only clip for "Gold on the Ceiling," this one set at Gallagher's 2000 and featuring nothing but topless women. Surprisingly, it will become the most-viewed music video in the history of everything. &#187; <a href="/music/artist/lil_wayne/artist.jhtml">Lil Wayne</a> will come full circle, get a tattoo <i>of</i> his face <i>on</i> his face. &#187; <a href="/music/artist/guns_n_roses/artist.jhtml">Guns N' Roses</a> will reunite at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony in April, only with that dude who plays a guitar shaped like a foot filling in for Slash and Tommy Stinson replacing Duff on bass. So, actually, it won't be Guns N' Roses at all. &#187; <a href="/music/artist/coldplay/artist.jhtml">Coldplay</a>'s Chris Martin is just going to be fingerpainting everything. &#187; <a href="/music/artist/ross__rick__rap_/artist.jhtml">Rick Ross</a> will be named the Memphis Restaurant Association's Restaurateur of the Year for his tremendous achievements in <a href="">Wingstop-ery.</a> &#187; <a href="/music/artist/west_kanye/artist.jhtml">Kanye West</a> will <i>literally</i> explode. &#187; Fans of <a href="/music/artist/skrillex/artist.jhtml">Skrillex</a> will stop and realize that, in 1997, EDM was poised take over America too, and we ended up with Limp Bizkit as a result.</p>

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